My Day ‘Under The Knife’…
I am currently under the influence of drugs. Not illicit drugs, but moreso the intra venous type given by my Anaesthetist, John. I am writing this blog still groggy, with a sore jaw & nose, and a headache better than my worst hangover.
Today I underwent the knife for 3 hours to sort out a lifelong battle with my teeth. I required 5 implants and a tooth extraction, plus some extensive bone grafting. Today was stage 1 of a six month strategy to get a decent set of very expensive pearly whites. I thought to myself ” Will I become instantly handsome? Will my choppers look like the private detective guy on ‘Something about Mary’? Quite frankly…I am not really fussed, lets just get this show on the road”.
The only reason I am getting this mid life makeover is because my dental bridge holding in my front teeth broke after 25+ years (even though it’s lifespan was meant to be 8). I protected that piece of metal mouth gadgetry better than anything.Unfortunately the man that made that bridge died way too young, but will be remembered as a super nice guy and a dental legend. Vale John Goodhart.
Upon arrival at the hospital I was given a pile of forms and a clipboard with a whole heap of fine print that in short means…”If this operation goes pear-shaped….it wasn’t us….and you can’t sue me!”. So like everyone else I signed all the forms just to keep things moving. The medical team were already gowned up and were waiting for me at 9.31am. I was pushed through the admission protocol and taken to my shared room. I was handed my hospital gown clobber and told to suit up.
Coming from the fashion industry, I thought I would be a natural at getting dressed in my cotton and paper theatre gear. Not so….I was totally bewildered as to what to put on first, which way round garments had to face, and where each piece went? I chose the ‘too small’ cotton gown with the ‘peek a boo’ rear access as my base piece. I of course could not reach the rear ties and had to call for help. Once on, I had a brief ‘Sharon Stone’ moment with my new striped mini dress as I clumsily moved around the bed under my male nurse’s instruction.
I then had to put on my paper dressing gown, which was thinner than a chux super wipe. I thought to myself ” This dressing gown is not gonna keep me warm at all, it is designed to keep my lower ‘cheeks in check’! ” Then there were the two matching blue paper like things ….are they for my hands? My feet?…or my head? I thought they had to be for my feet as there was two of them and they were about standard feetsize ( not my size 12’s).so I placed them on and I was good to go.
Anaesthetist John then turned up to say g’day and gave me the run down on what is happening. He was wearing one of those same blue paper things on his head as a hairnet. I thought to myself ” Shit!…I am wearing mine on my feet, what a banana!!!”. Luckily I had in fact selected the right bodypart option (feet), and no hairnet was required for me (for obvious reasons).
The operating room was huge and their was at least 8-9 masked people in there. I was given a needle in the wrist and I challenged myself to keep talking to the surgeon and finish my sentence before I got knocked ou……zzzzzzzzzzz. I woke up in the operating theatre several hours later and watched everyone moving around albeit in my groggy state. I remember coughing constantly which was annoying the surgical team as one of them sarchastically said to me ” nasty cough you have there Brett?” , as others rolled their eyes in agreement.
I was wheeled back to my room where I would recover slowly and further embarrass myself by pouring water all over my neck as I tried to swallow Panadol tablets where I thought my mouth was. Tanya collected me at 5.30pm and we headed home to Woodside. I am now toothless, swollen, and feeling sorry for myself. Now a week off at home to recover before the main man Trilok Vallury takes over the next stage!
