Gastro on a Plane – A Sh*t Story!

Gastro on a plane – is there anything worse?

We were returning from our first big family holiday in Queensland when all of a sudden about 30 mins into the flight I got this rumble in my stomach that said ” Uh-oh..this better not develop until we get back to Adelaide?”. I leant over to my wife Tanya and whispered “my guts is starting to hurt, it’s not good”. The more I thought about not going into the tiny airplane toilet cubicle, the more my stomach churned. This battle raged for another 30-40 minutes, until I finally decided “I’m in trouble here, I’m not gonna make this….I have to go the loo RIGHT NOW!”. One hour into the 3 hour flight I was the first person to use the toilet at the front of the plane.

After a harrowing session in the cubicle I re-emerged relieved that I had stopped the pain. I went back to my seat and started reading my magazine when a few minutes later I received another massive gut rumble.” Oh no….not again??”. I tried to hold on again, and was thinking “I can’t go to the loo again?….everyone just saw me go”. Things got worse and I thought “Bugger this…i am going again” . I re-emerged 15 minutes later hoping I had finished the entire process this time. I was also concerned for the other passengers and their right to consume ‘fresh air’.

I was ‘alert, but not alarmed’ at this stage, and was telling myself repeatedly “I am gonna be fine, I am gonna be fine”. I was wrong, less than 15 minutes later I was desperate again. Surely the first 3 visitors to the toilet on this plane, can’t all be me? Oh yes they can, and in I went again. Upon return to my seat, I did the walk of shame and kept my head down ensuring not to get eye contact with anyone. By this stage, my stomach rumbling is now an obsession and I can’t think of anything else. I kept thinking to myself “when will this stop? When will I have to go again? Am I empty yet? ”

Sure enough…’twas that time again, I was embarrassed like never before, and was on a mission to go once again. I then had a brainwave. I will get one of my kids to go to the loo first and I can accompany them as a guardian and sneakily go in for another round straight after. As we walked back to our seats, I thought I was clever with my latest strategy. Little did I know it would not be long before I had to take another trip down the aisle with my other son, I knew the whole plane was onto me-and the pressure both externally (and internally) was beginning to mount.

I now felt like I was the ‘inflight entertainment’ for all the passengers as they whispered to each other “can you believe how many times that guy has gone the loo?”. Tanya knew I was in real trouble now and I started to sweat and feel sick. She called over the flight attendant to tell her the story. Out came her blue rubber gloves, a sponge, and a bottle of Domestos as she headed in to the cubicle to brave the elements..very subtle . I was then swiftly moved to a first class seat all by myself where I was surrounded by many other empty seats, but luckily within 2m of my favourite restroom, and of course on full display to the other passengers.

I chewed on ice chips and feverishly wiped my head with a cold flannel to try and cool myself down. I tried my hardest to get home without any further toilet stops, but failed once again, but as the plane finally started to descend I knew I was nearly home. As we were landing I was in some serious pain and needing that cubicle again. As we all know after years of flying – you have to remain in your seat until after landing, I was now praying!

The flight attendant was watching my every move and probably thinking I was up for a nappy change by now:-). After landing we had to wait for the mobile stairs to drive over and be hooked onto the plane doorway. It was about a metre from the plane (with a very high gap to the tarmac) when the flight attendant knowing I had to get off the plane fast, broke safety protocols and yelled “JUST GO!….JUMP!!!”

I jumped before the stairs were attached and literally sprinted up the endless passenger walkways so I could reach the airport bathroom. My final destination was reached….” Ahhhh…..Home sweet home!”.